We gay people must risk believing that God is not homophobic, even though the human church is. We must learn to accept our gayness as a gift from God and live it out joyfully in a way that is compatible with God's law. In that process of self-acceptance and in our new awareness of God's love for us, we can then let go of our anger.

John J. McNeill, Taking A Chance On God

When I think back on when I first had the idea that I might be a lesbian I can still feel the overwhelming feeling of anger I had toward God. What a cruel joke to play on 16 year old! There you are, slap in the middle of your teen years, when society dictates that you should be boy crazy with your friends, and all you can think about is ... well, your friends. So, you do your best, you make up stories and join in, knowing the truth would end any and all conversation immediately.

What a frustrating experience. I screamed and yelled at God for years. I begged, pleaded with God to take the feelings away. I got myself a boyfriend, tried my best to feel "that way" for him. All to no avail.

I finally gave up on God. I met my first girlfriend and found a bit of true happiness for the first time in my life. My anger stayed with me, and has become a thorn in my side even today. It was McNeill's book that made me realize my anger had been pointed in the wrong direction. It wasn't God I should be angry at, but the homophobic human church. They are the ones who tell my gay brothers and sisters that they are somehow defective and rejected by God.

McNeill convinced me to take a chance on God and risk believing that God is not homophobic. I finally accepted my gayness, not as a curse, but as a gift from God. That simple, but horribly difficult act, was the key to my spiritual freedom. By beginning that process of self-acceptance I experienced the endless bounds of God's love for me.

I'm still in the process of letting go of my anger at the church and society's message that somehow I am flawed. But by living joyfully in a way that is compatible with God's law I learned, as McNeill says, "to see our gayness as a blessing and not as a curse, a blessing for which we should be grateful to God. We must learn as gay persons to celebrate our existence. We must learn to take a chance on God."

Blessings,
Candace